Never Sleep Where a Footballer Has Been
In the old Soviet Union there were restaurants that closed for lunch. France was never quite that bad, but service with a smile, or service period, still remains an alien concept.
The Scene: The 5 star Waldorf Astoria Trianon Palace Hotel in Versailles. It is a historic property on the grounds of the Palace of Versailles – one of the grandest gardens in the world. The Treaty of Versailles which ended World War I was signed in what is now the hotel. I attempt to check in.
Reception. Checking in. It is 4PM.
Me: Bonjour! I’m checking in. Could I have a non smoking room please?
Receptionist: Bonjour Monsieur. I am so excited!
Me: Ummm. Me too! (She’s not my type, but she is cute)
Receptionist: the Paris St Germain football team is staying in this hotel! (Squeals with ticklish girlish delight). They are here now!
Me: Wow. Is it true that they travel with their own hookers?
Receptionist: Here’s a voucher for two drinks at the bar.
Me: That’s really nice of you. Is that where they keep the hookers?
Receptionist: But you can’t check in.
Me: WTF?
Receptionist: You see the Paris St Germain football team is here…
Me: I know. The hookers were talking about it. And…?
Receptionist: They’ve all overslept, the poor dears. That’s why you can’t have a room.
Me: It’s 4pm! Why didn’t you wake them up and chuck them out?
Receptionist: Monsieur! They are the Manchester United of France! Have another drinks voucher.
Me: I just want to take a shower and get changed. What time will my room be available?
Receptionist: We cannot say. But you’ll definitely have one tonight…
Me: I need a drink…
Receptionist: We’ll find you in the bar.
Me: Make sure they change the sheets.
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At a bar in the hotel
Me: I’d like a gin martini please
Bartender: I’ve just made a pitcher of Hendricks martinis. Would you like one? (I ask for a taste. It is good)
Me: Yes please. Could you garnish it with a slice of cucumber?
Bartender: This is not possible (spoken in a perfect Inspector Clouseau French accent – “thees ees not possiblè”)!
Me: How about a slice of lemon?
Bartender: This is not possible.
Me: Really? But you are a bartender in a five star hotel! Okay I’ll just have an olive please.
Bartender: This is not possible. This drink is very good by itself. That is why I made an entire pitcher.
Me: Well, could I have some ice please?
Bartender: The drink is already cold Monsieur. You do not need ice.
Me: I’d still like some ice please.
Bartender: This is not possible. I’ve run out.
Me: Did they ever translate Fawlty Towers into French?
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