Stirring stories with a twist

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I drank an Oyster Martini.  It’s not a drink I ever wanted to have.  It sounds slimy and suspect.  However, I was in a good mood after a day at the Oval Cricket Grounds watching Sri Lanka beat Australia and the bartender convinced me to order an Oyster Martini.  I was drinking up a storm at Tsunami, an unfortunately named Japanese restaurant with branches in the West End of London and in Clapham, South London.  The martini in question was a dirty vodka martini (a “dirty” martini has olive brine poured into the vodka). It was unexpectedly delicious.  Served super chilled, the brine of the dirty martini combines well with the saltiness of the oyster.  After drinking half the liquid one eats the oyster, which has been partially cooked by the alcohol – think of it as turbo charged ceviche!  The oyster was on the shell so I scooped up some vodka with it – but it mostly tasted of itself.  The rest of the drink was a mix of vodka and oyster flavours.  If you are a fan of both, this part is sheer bliss.

The oyster martini is a sexy drink.  It looks fabulous and of course oysters are supposed to be good for the libido.  However when marketing men attempt to create sexy beverages (and I have no doubt that they are men – women are far too sensible) the results are inevitably disastrous. Here’s the Martini Mandate list of the worst attempts to leverage sex and alcohol.  Send me your list, please!

Worst Mixer Brand: Pussy

A British energy drink in bad taste whose advertising campaign “The drink’s pure, it’s your mind that’s the problem” keeps getting it in trouble with the advertising regulator.

Worst Wine Brand:  La Vierge (the Virgin)

I like most wines from South Africa, including its soft sauvignon blancs and its unique pinotages.  La Vierge (the virgin) is from the Hemel ed Aarde valley and produces “wine of desire” with names like jezebelle, original sin, seduction, the affair and nyphomane.  There are many nipples adorning the packaging.  If you are mentally the same age as you were when you thumbed through back issues of National Geographic looking for tribes-women exposing their boobies, you may find the labels exciting. The Nymphomane Cabernet Sauvignon I had, tasted like cheap perfume.

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Worst Vodka/Whisky/Rum Brand:  G Spirits

Another booby award goes to the two German Entrepreneurs who decided that each bottle of their spirits should be poured on the breasts of a beautiful woman before bottling.  Yes, really.  They’ve thought this through, matching the spirit to the woman.  The vodka is poured over the breasts of an Eastern European looking blonde, the rum on a dark skinned woman and the whisky on last year’s Playboy Playmate of the Year (I don’t think she’s Scottish, but at this point they probably didn’t care).  Click here for videos that capture the “manufacturing” process.  The mind boggles at the possible brand extensions.  An organic version poured over non surgically enhanced women?  How about a non-alcoholic virgin drink for the Middle Eastern market?

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Worst Cocktail Concept: The Semen Martini

Bay area author Simon “Fotie” Photenhauer has written “Semenology: the Semen Bartender’s handbook”.  This is a follow up to his previous book “Natural Harvest: a Collection of Semen Based Recipes”. But why?  As the author explained to the Huff Post, “people eat all kinds of weird stuff. Eggs are the menstruation of chickens. Milk is the mammary excretion from cows. Semen is…at least it’s fresh and you know who the producer is.”  Aware of the health and safety implications of his recipes he goes on record to state that he “would never eat or drink semen, cooked or otherwise, from someone I wouldn’t be willing to have sex with.”  Bottoms up!

I am sticking to the Oyster Martini.

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