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Never Sleep Where a Footballer Has Been

The Trianon Palace Versailles
The Trianon Palace Versailles

In the old Soviet Union there were restaurants that closed for lunch.  France was never quite that bad, but service with a smile, or service period, still remains an alien concept.

The Scene:  The 5 star Waldorf Astoria Trianon Palace Hotel in Versailles.  It is a historic property on the grounds of the Palace of Versailles – one of the grandest gardens in the world.  The Treaty of Versailles which ended World War I was signed in what is now the hotel.  I attempt to check in.

Reception. Checking in. It is 4PM.

Me: Bonjour! I’m checking in. Could I have a non smoking room please?
Receptionist: Bonjour Monsieur. I am so excited!
Me: Ummm. Me too! (She’s not my type, but she is cute)
Receptionist: the Paris St Germain football team is staying in this hotel! (Squeals with ticklish girlish delight). They are here now!
Me: Wow. Is it true that they travel with their own hookers?
Receptionist: Here’s a voucher for two drinks at the bar.
Me: That’s really nice of you. Is that where they keep the hookers?
Receptionist: But you can’t check in.
Me: WTF?
Receptionist: You see the Paris St Germain football team is here…
Me: I know. The hookers were talking about it. And…?
Receptionist: They’ve all overslept, the poor dears. That’s why you can’t have a room.
Me: It’s 4pm! Why didn’t you wake them up and chuck them out?
Receptionist: Monsieur! They are the Manchester United of France! Have another drinks voucher.
Me: I just want to take a shower and get changed. What time will my room be available?
Receptionist: We cannot say. But you’ll definitely have one tonight…
Me: I need a drink…
Receptionist: We’ll find you in the bar.
Me: Make sure they change the sheets.


The champagne coupe was allegedly based on the left breast of Marie Antoinette, one of the most famous inhabitants of Versailles.  A new version of the glass is now available, based on Kate Moss's left breast.  She's got a good head on her shoulders.
Titillating. The design of the champagne coupe was allegedly based on the left breast of Marie Antoinette, one of the most famous inhabitants of Versailles. A new version of the glass is now available, based on Kate Moss’s left breast. “What an honour to be alongside Marie Antoinette – she was an intriguing and mischievous character'” commented Moss.  Don’t let it go to your head girl!


At a bar in the hotel

Me: I’d like a gin martini please
Bartender: I’ve just made a pitcher of Hendricks martinis. Would you like one? (I ask for a taste. It is good)
Me: Yes please. Could you garnish it with a slice of cucumber?
Bartender: This is not possible (spoken in a perfect Inspector Clouseau French accent – “thees ees not possiblè”)!
Me: How about a slice of lemon?
Bartender: This is not possible.
Me: Really? But you are a bartender in a five star hotel! Okay I’ll just have an olive please.
Bartender: This is not possible. This drink is very good by itself. That is why I made an entire pitcher.
Me: Well, could I have some ice please?
Bartender: The drink is already cold Monsieur. You do not need ice.
Me: I’d still like some ice please.
Bartender: This is not possible. I’ve run out.
Me: Did they ever translate Fawlty Towers into French?

One hell of a running track
One hell of a running track


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